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Fic: The Perils of Priapism

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23 October 2005 | 08:19
mood: tiredtired
posted by: empty_mirrors in the_safehouse

A silly PWP sparked by a story in the British press last week. It just got me thinking.


Title: The Perils of Priapism
Author: Josey
Rating: R, maybe NC-17.
Format: Short story - 1000 words
Hatstand Archive, Circuit Archive, Pros-Lib: Yes, if it’s wanted.
Slash/Gen: Slash.
Summary: Silly and stupid and just a bit of fun.

Disclaimer: Don’t own them, just adore them.



The Perils of Priapism



“You bastard.”

Bodie looked up from what he was doing and grinned. “Me? Perfect I am.”

“I’ll give you perfect if you stop -argh!”

“Stop? You want me to stop?” He teased Doyle’s balls with his thumb.

“Ah, shit, stop mucking about and hurry up.”

“I dunno, stop start, make your mind up, Ray.”

Doyle seized a decent handful of silky hair and pointedly yanked Bodie’s head back where he wanted it most. “My mind isn’t the problem, mate, you are. Just bloody well suck me and stop messing about.”

Sighing heavily, but smiling on the inside, Bodie got back to his task. He would have anyway. There was something truly luscious about the way Ray squirmed when you went down on him. Wriggle, wriggle he went and - “Ouch!”

“Sorry.”

“Bugger sorry, just take it off. I’m rather attached to that ear.”

Ray wrestled his shoulder holster off and continued apologising. “Not my fault the chest strap broke and left it swinging around.”

“Well swing it around over there, not over here. Got a job to do and the wriggling I’m getting isn’t the wriggling I was aiming for.”

With a thunk and a clunk the holster landed on the back of the loo. “Better now, your lordship?”

“I think so. And try to remember the lordship bit later when you’re tempted to backchat. A bit of respect can go a long way in this game, old son.” Bodie ducked the less than gently cuffing hand aimed in his direction and got back to the business of making Ray squirm.

“This… was your…idea…anyway,” Ray was saying between Bodie’s slurps. “Stopping…off…for a…quickie.” The slurps speeded up; Ray shut up. Or at least got incoherent.

A particularly deep slurp garnered Bodie a wriggle and a squirm. Then a, “God, do that again.” He did, adding a slight scrap of his teeth into the mixture; normally a sure thing to send Ray up the wall, even if said wall was graffiti covered tile.

Ray’s hands were doing what Bodie affectionately termed their ‘orgasm dance’, darting between Bodie’s head and his own chest, tweaking and tugging at both locations. A bit like rubbing your tummy and patting your head, Bodie supposed, and, strange as it sounded, he’d got used to having his hair teased like a nipple. Found it erotic even, since it meant that Ray was as turned on as hell and wasn’t going to last much longer.

The sudden jerk of Ray’s hips and swelling of his cock in Bodie’s mouth proved that. Deep and wet forever he came, and Bodie was quite happy to swallow every drop. Tasted good did his Ray. Bitter salt, but beautiful with it.

Uttering a final, “Urgh!” Ray collapsed back and started sliding down the wall as his knees failed.

Bodie caught him by the shoulders, hoisted him upright and turned him round. “My turn,” he whispered in Ray’s ear and grinned at the resulting shudder. He couldn’t fuck Ray, not here in the gent’s loo at Sainsburys, not when they were technically on duty, but he could do the next best thing.

Unzipping his fly, he urged Ray to close his legs a little and used his warm damp groin as a substitute. It was almost as good as fucking, tight and hot and good. And it got Ray going again, once he’d got his breath.

Panting heavily, Ray rested his head back on Bodie’s shoulder, going for a kiss that Bodie was happy to supply. Nothing beat kissing those lips, except having them wrapped around him. The trouble was, giving a blowjob always left Ray desperate to fuck and Bodie had no desire to spend the afternoon limping around after the terrorists they were tracking. So a dry hump it was.

They were busy getting to the, “Oh god,” stage for both of them, when Bodie’s RT squealed. Ray, having already had the benefit of coming once, snatched the offending article from Bodie’s jacket pocket and managed to gasp out, “3.7 here.”

“Where the hell are you?” Cowley’s dulcet tones were somewhat muffled from being pressed into Ray’s chest.

“Erm.” Ray’s fingers dug into Bodie’s hip, stopping him for a second, and it was only a second because nothing short of an encounter with the grim reaper was going to stop Bodie finishing what he started. Magnus Magnusson had nothing on him when in action.

Still, Ray managed to squeeze the words out before the rhythmic grunting started up again. “Oakfield Road, sir. Just ran into a little, um, lubrication problem. We’ll be there in five.”

“You’d better be,” the Cow growled and the RT snapped off just as Bodie grunted, jerked and did what he did best with a satisfied and very happy moan.

“Finished?” Ray was tidying up and sorting out while Bodie was still trying to remember where his feet were. But they staggered out of the bog together and lurched in the general direction of the Capri as fast as orgasm limbs could carry them.

It was only when they were half way down the road when Ray let out a yelp and screeched to a halt up on the pavement.

Bodie jerked awake - not that he had a tendency to fall asleep on the job, but he was a growing boy and needed his rest. “Wha’?” he asked, gazing around with a perplexed frown. “We there already?”

In the driver’s seat, Ray had gone a strange colour, like he might either explode or throw up. Bodie was considering a strategic retreat when Ray turned to him and said, “Gun.”

“Gun?” Not notoriously slow on the uptake, Bodie had the presence of mind to check for his own holster before looking at Ray. Sleek slim lines, open jacket. No holster. “Your gun. Where’s the hell’s your gun!”

Ray sagged into his seat, his expression both helpless and hopeless. “Would you believe, still on the back of the loo in Sainsburys,” he said.

“I would,” Bodie answered. “But I wouldn’t wanna be you trying to explain that one to the Cow. You know what he did to Pennington when he left his is the bog in Chinatown.”

Ray nodded miserably and sank even further down in his seat. “Posted to the Falklands for a year.”

“Under cover.”

“As a penguin.”

“And that was after a nasty case of dysentery”

Sad green eyes turned to Bodie for help. “What am I gonna do? Even if we call, we’ll have to say who we are and someone’s bound to let it slip.”

After a minute’s thought, Bodie came up with the perfect solution. Picking up the RT from the front of the car, he gave Ray a reassuring grin and put in a call to control. “Sally, do us a favour will you, love? Patch me through to Sainsburys in Oakfield Street?”

A second later, the manager of the store answered. Bodie put on his best telephone manners and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, sir, but this is by way of an emergency. One of my men has left a side arm in your toilets.” Pause. “Yes, sir, a very unfortunate occurrence, indeed. If you could just see that it is placed out of harm’s reach?” Another pause and Bodie had to kick Ray in the shin to stop him chuckling. “Yes, absolutely. The man in question will undoubtedly be disciplined. Thank you again, sir.”

A final pause and then, “A name, you say? For your report? Well, I suppose, if you insist. The name is Willis, from MI5.”

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Comments {18}

Madam Morrighan

(no subject)

from: madmogs
date: 23 October 2005 14:12 (UTC)
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BWAHAHAHAHAHA! What a fantastic ending--I salute you! You manage to be both hot and hilarious.

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empty_mirrors

(no subject)

from: empty_mirrors
date: 23 October 2005 19:02 (UTC)
Link

Thank you!

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Caro Dee

(no subject)

from: carodee
date: 23 October 2005 16:28 (UTC)
Link

This was fantastic. Just the right sort of affectionate, earthy fuck that Bodie and Ray would do. This bit here *dies*:

Ray’s hands were doing what Bodie affectionately termed their ‘orgasm dance’,

Plus, I loved the way you had each cover the other in their moments of weakness, Ray with the RT, Bodie with the misplaced gun. Funny and yet how partners should be.

The last line was killer! *g*

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empty_mirrors

(no subject)

from: empty_mirrors
date: 23 October 2005 19:04 (UTC)
Link

I much prefer them this way to long speeches of love. They strike me as the type who are more demonstrative than verbal in their affection - at least they always were on the show.

Thank you!

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byslantedlight

(no subject)

from: byslantedlight
date: 23 October 2005 18:21 (UTC)
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I didn't know whether to laugh or melt half the time, reading this. I'll never go into another Sainsburys without thinking about it! I wanted to quote bits I liked, but there are too many. Just perfect lads, and gorgeous sex and funny all the way down. So to speak. Thankyou!

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empty_mirrors

(no subject)

from: empty_mirrors
date: 23 October 2005 19:04 (UTC)
Link

Hee! I'm sabotaging Sainsburys.

Thanks so much for the FB :-D

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Enednoviel

(no subject)

from: enednoviel
date: 23 October 2005 20:47 (UTC)
Link

LOL... perfect mixture of hotness and silliness. Still giggling about the last line. Hehehehe...

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empty_mirrors

(no subject)

from: empty_mirrors
date: 23 October 2005 21:46 (UTC)
Link

Thank you :-D

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Thoraa

(no subject)

from: thoraarwin
date: 23 October 2005 21:24 (UTC)
Link

Oh yeah, lovely cocktail of everything I want in a fic! Great ending.

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empty_mirrors

(no subject)

from: empty_mirrors
date: 23 October 2005 21:47 (UTC)
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Thanks!

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(no subject)

from: anonymous
date: 23 October 2005 21:51 (UTC)
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I *really* enjoyed this story - it made me smile, a lot. Thanks for sharing it (pb)

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empty_mirrors

(no subject)

from: empty_mirrors
date: 23 October 2005 22:02 (UTC)
Link

Thank you. I had a lot of fun writing it. :-D

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Paris7am

(no subject)

from: paris7am
date: 24 October 2005 03:31 (UTC)
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Fabulous story! Everyone beat me to saying it, but yes - the combination of hot and sexy with great humor really made it special. Plus, the punch of the last line. Wonderful!

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empty_mirrors

(no subject)

from: empty_mirrors
date: 24 October 2005 09:13 (UTC)
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Thank you! :-D

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Justacat

(no subject)

from: justacat
date: 24 October 2005 03:57 (UTC)
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This was fantastic - I read it this morning and it's stuck in my mind all day. Funny and sexy and hot, and the sex is the best kind - rough and a little dirty and very, very them, to my mind at least. Loved this in particular:

Nothing beat kissing those lips, except having them wrapped around him. The trouble was, giving a blowjob always left Ray desperate to fuck and Bodie had no desire to spend the afternoon limping around after the terrorists they were tracking. So a dry hump it was.

LOL! Really nice job - gave me a lift on a day on which I needed it :-).

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empty_mirrors

(no subject)

from: empty_mirrors
date: 24 October 2005 09:13 (UTC)
Link

Glad I was able to make you smile. Hope you get home okay and thanks for the great FB. :-D

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P.R. Zed

(no subject)

from: przed
date: 24 October 2005 18:30 (UTC)
Link

Very funny, very hot and far too much fun. This was a great story to come home to.

Lubrication problem, indeed. Heh.

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empty_mirrors

(no subject)

from: empty_mirrors
date: 24 October 2005 19:56 (UTC)
Link

Thank you! So glad I was able to bring a smile to your face. :-D

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